While I’m a huge fan of the upcoming, annual Talk Like a Pirate Day this September 19th, this post has nothing to do with that venerable day.

Instead, it concerns a story which is prima facie evidence that nothing good comes from letting women out of the kitchen – or in this case, the galley. Evidently, the most successful pirate in the history of piratism (not to be confused with that priapism thing from the Cialis commercials) was a woman! First they want to look good, then they want to do good and then they just want to do and it’s good riddance for you. Obviously, I mean, her first husband died while married to her, for crying out loud!

It’s even in the Bible! Outraged over queen Vashti’s refusal to report to the courtroom as ordered to be shown off to his slavoring minions, King Xerxes asked his male advisers what he might do about it.

Memucan spoke up in the council of the king and princes: “It’s not only the king Queen Vashti has insulted, it’s all of us, leaders and people alike in every last one of King Xerxes’ provinces. The word’s going to get out: ‘Did you hear the latest about Queen Vashti? King Xerxes ordered her to be brought before him and she wouldn’t do it!’ When the women hear it, they’ll start treating their husbands with contempt. The day the wives of the Persian and Mede officials get wind of the queen’s insolence, they’ll be out of control. Is that what we want, a country of angry women who don’t know their place? Esther 1:16-18 The Message Bible

And there are plenty of other women that have royally messed things up for the rest of us, too.

The old woman who lived in a shoe comes to mind – I heard she was an adviser to LBJ on strategy during his War on Poverty – disastrous policy!. Mrs. McCave, of Dr. Seuss fame, who had 23 sons and named them all Dave would definitely qualify. As would Joan of Arc who helped get a Frenchman crowned king! Obviously, no good could come of THAT! There’s Eve and the whole Destruction of Paradise thing (also a Bible event for those who take that Separation of Church and State deal REALLY seriously and so never learned about her). And then there’s Susan B. Anthony! Don’t confuse her with Cleopatra Antony who married an Italian ruler but was, herself, the last Pharaoh of Egypt (which explains how the Middle East got so screwed up).

No – Susan B. Anthony, fresh from her mischief in ensuring women could vote, cemented her place in Testosterone’s History of Seminal Events in American History by using her organized suffragettes to vote in a US currency change to be sprung on an unsuspecting country long after her death. The Susan B. Anthony dollar coin not only confused consumers as they innocently set out to gratify their materialism but it lowered the nation’s GDP by a full .5% as besieged retailers spent billions in expansion capital to retool cash drawers ahead of the expected onslaught of the new coin which never materialized.

Thinking I’ve done enough for one post and that I’ll head back inside from the dog house to see if The Much Younger Trophy Wife will let me back in. It’s dinner time and I’m hungry and besides … it’s supposed to rain …

Blue Collar Muse